12 Reasons Why We Don’t Like To Talk About Death (and what to do about it)
- We don’t feel prepared
Our reluctance to talk about death is related to a primal fear we all share. That fear prevents us from preparing for the inevitable until it’s too late. All too often, people wait until they’re terminally ill to make the necessary legal and financial arrangements and funeral plans. Time spent in the hospital or hospice can be made less anxious with an Advance Care Plan in place so that your Substitute Decision Maker or Power-of-Attorney for Health Care can advocate on your behalf if you are not able. Advance Care Plans also provide peace of mind to your family and the medical professionals when they know your wishes for medical care and treatment.
2. We’re afraid to upset others
Many of us shy away from talking about death because we don’t want to upset others. When I first brought the subject of my mortality up with my adult children, they immediately became worried that I was ill. When I assured them I wasn’t, they deflected the conversation with jokes and “we can do this another time”. When I tried again, one of my sons became distraught. This put me off but I persevered. I stressed how much it would mean to me if they listened. It took several attempts but I eventually got my children to sit down and listen to my wishes and end-of-life plans.
3. It makes us think of what we’ve not done yet
Another reason we don’t talk about death is that it raises the question of what we’ve not accomplished in life. Let’s face it, it’s just not possible to complete all the projects you have envisioned for yourself. Life is short. That realization can scare us, hence the popularity of “bucket lists”. But dying is not a failure; it’s a natural process. Take time to celebrate what you have accomplished in your life rather than focus on what you haven’t done. Prioritize and be realistic about what you can do and not do. And don’t obsess over some unachievable goal at the expense of spending quality time with your friends and family. All life has meaning. Talk about yours with people who matter to you.
4. We don’t want to be a burden on others
Elderly parents often avoid the subject of death because they don’t want to burden their children with the responsibility of caring for them. Or, you do want your children to care for you but are afraid to ask. This conflict often leads to not talking at all. I encourage both parents and children to talk openly about their needs. Be realistic. Don’t try to guess what the other wants. If you want your children to care for you, ask them if that’s possible. If you want to care for your parent, let them know. Make plans in advance and don’t forget to seek help from health and social services.
5. We don’t know what comes next after death
Having faith in an afterlife can make thinking about death more amenable but for many, the uncertainty of what comes next can inhibit the conversation about death. It’s ok to be uncertain just as it’s ok to find your faith in the face of your mortality. Again, talk with someone who is a compassionate, non-judgmental listener about your concerns. It might be a good friend, your partner, a therapist, a minister or a spiritual adviser.
6. We don’t want to think about leaving our loved ones behind
Thinking about leaving your loved ones behind can also prevent people from discussing their mortality. It can be too painful to think about leaving your family and friends, especially if you are concerned about their well-being or financial stability. Make sure you have made your legal and financial arrangements through your Will that will provide as best you can for your beneficiaries. Of course, they will experience grief at your passing. This is normal but in time their pain will subside and they will carry on. If you are concerned, let them know about grief counselling. I also suggest leaving legacy letters — personal notes to console and celebrate your relationship with them. Think about other creative ways to leave something of yourself with them — a memoir, journal, recipe book, photos, video/audio recordings, and your stories.
7. We’ll simply miss the world, we’re not ready to go
Part of the pain of dying is knowing that we will not see another sunrise or sunset, the waves rolling in on a beloved seashore, or a mountain vista. For some, the promise of a “heaven” will alleviate that pain, but for many, their “heaven” has been right here on Earth. Acknowledge your pain and make the most of your time enjoying Nature while you can. If in hospital or hospice, you might be comforted by recordings of birdsong, or the sighing wind and waves. Talk to your family and friends about what they might provide you. If you are mobile, ask to be taken outside or brought to a window. Photos of your favourite places can also help.
8. We fear the dying process; becoming vulnerable and in pain
A key concern for many when it comes to dying is the fear of pain and being vulnerable. Losing one’s independence and depending on others is hard. It’s for these reasons that we often ignore the discussion. When we ignore our fears, they grow. Share your concerns. Ask your doctors and nurses about pain management. They will reassure you. They will also help you be as independent as possible but letting go and accepting the help of others is a natural part of the process. Lean into it in your own time. And remember — allowing someone to care for and help you provides them with a positive experience of offering love. Be open to feeling that love.
9. Dying is too expensive
Have you ever put off looking at a bill because you worried about how expensive it was going to be? Dying, like paying bills, is a bit like that. You can ignore them but you’ll get a reminder and another until you do something about it. If you’re worried, check any insurance policy you have. Enquire about funeral plan insurance. Ask the medical professionals about the costs of any upcoming treatments or medicines you’ll require. Seek advice from health and social services or citizens’ advice bureaus. Financial concerns are another reason to open the conversation early rather than later. Talk to a financial advisor or lawyer if you are concerned.
10. End-of-life stuff is overwhelming
It’s common for people to put off end-of-life planning simply because they find it too overwhelming. They don’t know where to start. They end up “putting their heads in the sand” like the proverbial ostrich. This is all the more reason to seek help ahead of time. Talking with a lawyer is essential to creating a Will and Power-of-Attorney for Finances and Property as well as for Health Care. And while it’s possible to make all the end-of-life arrangements yourself, if you have the time and patience, you could save both time and money by hiring a professional End-of-Life Planning Facilitator. She or he will “hold your hand” leading you step-by-step through the process. They will hold you accountable so that you complete a personal plan that will bring you and your family peace of mind when the time comes. An End-of-Life Planning Facilitator will not make your decisions for you but they will provide you with the space to discover and create your own wishes and decisions and support you in sharing those with your family and other relevant individuals.
11. You don’t know what you want
Getting our affairs in order can, as indicated above, seem overwhelming and inhibit the discussion of your mortality. Part of that sense of overwhelm is often linked simply to not knowing what you want. Again, an End-of-Life Planning Facilitator will know the pertinent information you need and the questions you need to consider in order to document your wishes and decisions. It takes time to sort out what you want. Again, don’t leave it to a time when you’re emotional and dealing with an illness. Get help now. Start the conversation sooner rather than later.
12. If I talk about it, it will happen to me or someone I care about
Finally, despite the fact that we consider ourselves to be rational beings, we’re all a little superstitious. That fact is borne out by the many times I hear people admit that if they talk about death, it will invite it into their lives. A client recently complained to me that she was having difficulty opening the conversation about end-of-life matters with her parents because they feared the consequences of discussing the topic. When this fear arises, I usually counter by saying that talking about sex does not mean you’ll become pregnant. Confronting our fear or superstition is the best way I know of to lessen its potency. It was when I visualized meeting Death and having a conversation with the Grim Reaper that I began to alleviate my fear and trepidation. I realized Death was simply doing his job of keeping the world from being overpopulated and providing room for new beings. In fact, once I opened myself to this sort of conversation, I felt more alive, eager to make the most of the time I had in this world. It was a liberating experience.
The above list is not exhaustive in terms of experiences and prescriptions for alleviating the fear of death. I’m an End-of-Life Planning Facilitator, not an expert on death. I recognize that in some cases, people can have quite severe and debilitating death phobia. If so, professional therapeutic help will be required.
If you have comments or other suggestions that will help open up the general conversation on death and dying or end-of-life matters in general, please comment below. I would love to hear from you.
In the meantime, you can reach me using the contact information below.
Michael Williams is an accredited and licensed End-of-Life Planning Facilitator, Educator, and Trainer. He is the Senior Facilitator and Trainer for Before I Go Solutions and the founder of My End of Life Plan. He currently lives in Hamilton, Ontario and serves clients both locally and internationally on Zoom. To contact Michael, email him at michael@myendoflifeplan.ca. To learn more about training as an End-of-Life Planning Facilitator, contact michaelwilliams@beforeigosolutions.com.
