Don’t Let the Fear of Death Keep You From Making A Plan
A few years ago, a friend asked me, “If you only had a short time to live, what would you spend your money on?”
It was a no-brainer, really. I’d spend it visiting my children and grandchildren. Because they all live in different countries, that would mean spending money on travel and related costs. I would take them out for dinner and do nice things with them. And I would leave them whatever was left over in my will.
“So,” my friend asked, “Do you have an up-to-date will with those arrangements?”
“I’m working on it,” I replied.
My friend raised his eyebrows. “But what if you died today or tomorrow?”
He made his point. I’d been putting off calling a lawyer and having a will drawn up. It was always something I meant to do, I just never got around to doing it. I figured I’d always have time.
The truth is, none of us know how much time we have. COVID taught us that. Yet 60% of us die without a will. That’s the current rate in the U.S., Canada, and the U.K. Without a will in place, my children and grandchildren might not receive the gifts I wanted to leave them.
So why do we deceive ourselves into thinking we have all the time in the world?
I had all kinds of reasons: “Lawyers are expensive.” “I’ll do it later.” “I’m busy.” “It’s complicated.” “I forgot.” “I’m not sick.” “I’m still young.” Yet a deeper exploration beneath that facade of excuses revealed something more profound: a fear of death.
The thought of writing a will brought home the reality of my mortality. Writing a will meant acknowledging I was going to die. And I didn’t want to think about not being here anymore. Foolish, right?
Not really. The fear of death (the official term is thanatophobia) is very common although most people never talk about it. However, a 2019 study in the United States reported about 70% of people claimed they experienced some level of fear with 11% admitting that they were “very afraid” (https://www.statista.com/statistics/959347/fear-of-death-in-the-us/).
Another study in the U.K. revealed that more than 70% of people had never discussed their end-of-life concerns with their partner. That included wills, funeral plans, and plans for future health care and treatment.
It’s clear that our fear of death prevents us from talking openly with our loved ones about the inevitable — that we’re all going to die one day. And that truth means we need to make plans.
If I want to spend my last days visiting my children and grandchildren, I need to share that wish with them. If I want to leave them my money (and any other assets) I need to have a will drawn up with those arrangements clearly outlined. I don’t want to leave a mess behind. I don’t want my children to wonder what my wishes were. They’ll need to know about my bank accounts, my investment account, and any other assets I’ve gathered over the years. What do I want to leave them? What about my books, my journals, and my personal papers? What do I want to be done with them?
These and a myriad of other questions come to mind about where I want to be if and when I get ill, what kind of treatment and care will I need? Who could speak for me if I’m not able?
And what about funeral plans? Cremation or burial? How’s it being paid for? Do I want a memorial service? What kind of legacy do I want to leave my grandchildren?
So many questions!
All those questions, on top of an underlying fear of death, began to overwhelm me. That’s why I needed to ask for help.
Fortunately, there are professionally-trained people who can answer these questions and help me make the necessary plans: my doctor, the local funeral director, my lawyer, my bank manager and my financial advisor. And, if you have time, you could sit for hours and Google for information.
There are also death doulas to support me and my family when the time gets near. And celebrants who will celebrate my life at my funeral or memorial service.
But best of all, there are End-of-Life Planning Facilitators who will help me pull together all of this information into a personal, comprehensive end-of-life plan that I can share with my family and significant others.
End-of-Life Planning Facilitators are people who have done the research and have the knowledge to guide you through the process of creating your end-of-life plan. They can lead you step-by-step, helping you document your wishes and providing you with the resources and information you need to make informed decisions. They create the time and space for you to talk openly and share your thoughts and feelings — even your fear of death. They will support you in opening up the conversation with your family and other loved ones.
Where can you find one of these End-of-Life Planning Facilitators? I recommend Before I Go Solutions (www.beforeigosolutions.com). They have facilitators in Canada, the U.S., the U.K. and several other countries. Their licensed and accredited facilitators are trained to help. You can work with them from the convenience of your own home, using Zoom or, in some instances, in person. The cost is less than what a lawyer or financial adviser might charge. And by putting your own plan together ahead of time, you can save time and money by being better prepared before you sit down with your doctor, lawyer, financial adviser, or funeral director. You’ll be clearer about what you want (and so will your family).
Don’t let your fear of death prevent you from making your plans. Think of your plan as a gift of love for your family and those who will need to sort things out after you’re gone.
Now, with the time you have left, how are you going to spend your money?
In 2016, Dr. Michael Williams attended his first Death Café where he met Jane Duncan Rogers, founder of Before I Go Solutions. After attending her workshops, he began training as a Before I Go Method End-of-Life Planning Facilitator. Today, he is the company’s Senior Facilitator and Trainer, helping others to make their plans and training those who want to help others do the same. Find out more about Dr. Williams’ work at https://www.myendoflifeplan.ca or contact him at michael[at]myendoflifeplan.ca.
