I hate myself when I do it. Sometimes, I do it a dozen times a day.
At first, it makes me feel good—kind of superior to everyone else.
Then, the shame sets in. And the self-criticism. So I do it some more.
I can find myself doing it while standing in line waiting for coffee or in the grocery store. I do it while walking down a busy street, watching TV, or participating in a Zoom meeting. I know I shouldn’t but I do it all the same.
It’s called judging others.
We all do it—every day. Sometimes we're not even conscious that we’re doing it and there are times when we are very conscious of making judgments of other people. On the positive side, judging others is an important social strategy. We need to know whether someone is trustworthy or whether we’re walking into a dangerous situation. It’s all part of our survival skills. But on the negative side, our judging of others is all too often a reflection of our own insecurity and anxiety. We judge others as a way of deflecting our gaze away from our own sense of inferiority and shame. Dana Harron, writing in Psychology Today, makes the point that “since judging others can never give a person what they need, they feel like they have to keep doing it.” According to Harron, this leads us “to perpetuate the cycle of judgement” (“Why Do We Judge Other People,” Psychology Today, 1 October 2021).
Furthermore, judging separates us from others, thus having the potential to increase our sense of isolation and loneliness. People always seem either above you or below you but never with you. Therefore, it makes sense to spend time reflecting on yourself and attending to your self-esteem. When you feel good about yourself, there’s no need to judge others to build yourself up by putting them down. Harron writes:
“It’s about knowing who you are, what you value, and how you want to live that truth. It’s about knowing that you can afford to be generous because you are enough and there is enough to go around. Extending you some kindness does not diminish me; instead, it makes the world that I exist in a better place to be. We bake a bigger pie; we all win.” (Harron, “Why Do We Judge”)
So, every time I catch myself judging someone, it’s an opportunity to reflect: what does my judgement of them say about me? That’s an opportunity for greater self-awareness, self-love, and humility. When I know that I’m enough, offering more kindness and less judgment becomes much easier to do. And I’m also in a better position to withstand the judgments and criticisms of others.
The next time you catch yourself judging someone, whether it’s because of the way they look, the way they dress, or because of what they believe, stop and ask yourself — what am I avoiding in myself? Does what I’m judging exist in me? Break the cycle of judgement by becoming more self-aware and in doing so, begin spreading more love. The world desperately needs it. We all do.
