Planning Your Funeral: The Next Best Thing To Being There
There’s a scene in Mark Twain’s The Adventures of Tom Sawyer that has stayed with me ever since I first came upon it as a 13-year-old. It’s the funeral scene. Tom, Joe, and Huck have been presumed drowned. A funeral is underway, and the townsfolk are mourning the boys’ loss. All their antics, it seems, have been forgiven. Out of sight in an “unused gallery”, the “lost heroes” listen in as the preacher eulogizes them. Twain writes:
“As the service proceeded, the clergyman drew such pictures of the graces, the winning ways, and the rare promise of the lost lads that every soul there, thinking he recognized these pictures, felt a pang in remembering that he had persistently blinded himself to them always before, and had as persistently seen only faults and flaws in the poor boys. . . . The congregation became more and more moved, as the pathetic tale went on, till at last the whole company broke down and joined the weeping mourners in a chorus of anguished sobs, the preacher himself giving way to his feelings, and crying in the pulpit.”
Moments later, we’re told, “the three dead boys came marching up the aisle. . . . They had been hid in the unused gallery listening to their own funeral sermon!”
You can’t help thinking what that would be like — to listen to your own funeral sermon and to hear what your mourners had to say about you. I’m sure I’m not the only one who has thought that. The closest I’ve got to experience it is to imagine it while planning my own funeral.
But why would anyone want to plan their own funeral? After all, you’re not going to be there to enjoy it, are you? But like birth plans, wedding plans, and retirement plans, funeral planning can be considered a practical and important way to mark another passage in life. Planning now for the inevitable can also be a loving gesture toward those that survive you, letting them know your wishes and even saving them time and money at a time when they are vulnerable and grieving.
Funeral planning begins with some practical decisions: do you want to be cremated or buried? how do you want your body prepared and dressed? Casual or formal attire? Which pair of glasses — if any — do you want to be seen in? Who should be invited? Do you want a religious service or a humanist celebration?
My grandmother and mother chose no service at all. What’s your choice?
Planning your funeral is a pretty normal thing to do. In fact, it can be fun. You can choose your favourite music, meaningful poems and other readings, and even flattering photos of yourself. Funerals don’t have to be a sombre occasion. You can leave instructions for people to dress up in colourful clothing or, as one person instructed, come as your favourite superhero. These days almost anything goes — bylaws and moral decency permitting — from burning Viking ships to sending one’s ashes into space. My grandfather, a well-known big band leader, wanted a New Orleans-style jazz funeral complete with a marching band and horse-drawn hearse. Sadly, the local village council denied his request. He was cremated instead and his ashes were scattered in the city’s Rose Garden. But that’s one of the points of funeral planning — it’s a chance to share your last wishes, to let others know how you want your departure to be celebrated. Maybe if Grandad has planned it earlier, he might have had the funeral he wished for.
There are, of course, other reasons for planning your funeral:
- Saves your loved ones the hassle of having to do it themselves
- By pre-paying and planning, you save your family time and money
- Planning can also help you and your significant others come to terms with your mortality
“But I’m too young to be planning my funeral,” I hear you say.
It’s never too early. Death, as we well know, can come at any time. Still, many people wait until they get ill or at death’s door to make plans. But making plans when you’re not feeling well or bedridden is not the best time. Why not make plans at the same time you’re purchasing life insurance or creating your will or choosing guardians for your children in the event of your untimely death?
There’s no one way to plan for a funeral. Funeral directors, of course, can be helpful but they often have a particular way of doing things. And, funeral directors, are business owners with products and services to sell. If my brothers and I hadn’t been with my distressed stepmother when my father died, she may have very well purchased the $13,000 coffin the funeral director was directing her towards. Fortunately, we steered her to a more affordable option. The point is that by pre-planning, we can make decisions that are less susceptible to emotional manipulation. It’s important to look for a funeral director who is sensitive to your wishes and open to providing the kind of funeral you and your family and friends want.
Here are some further things to consider when planning your funeral:
- Who will take charge of seeing that your funeral wishes are carried out? (it’s usually the Executor of your Will but others can be appointed
- Who will conduct the service? A minister? A celebrant? A friend or family member?
- Where will the funeral take place?
- Do you have specific needs related to your religion, culture, or spiritual beliefs?
- Will it follow a traditional agenda or something more improvised and celebratory?
- Do you have particular choices of music and readings?
There is a growing desire to make funerals more personal and meaningful. I’ve certainly been to my share of funerals where the service seems to have been devised according to a template with the deceased person’s name inserted into the appropriate places. Clearly, the person conducting the service didn’t know the person well. Or, perhaps, he or she hadn’t taken the time with the family to find out more; or maybe the family hadn’t been forthcoming with information. Regardless, most of us want a meaningful experience at a funeral. The funeral is as much for us as it is for the person we’re saying goodbye to. This is why pre-planning can be so important. It’s a chance to talk over your wishes with others and plan something that provides meaning for everyone involved.
One way of planning is to include your wishes in your Will. Another way is to create a separate document, often known as an Advance Care Plan. This plan documents your wishes for your end-of-life health care and treatment as well as what you would like after you’re gone.
When you ask people, most will tell you that this pre-planning is a great idea. Yet only a small number actually get around to doing anything about it. This leaves families and friends scrambling about in the midst of their grief trying to organize things and hoping they get it right. So why not ask for help?
A professional licensed End-of-Life Planning Facilitator can offer you a step-by-step approach to pre-planning your funeral and Advance Care Planning documents. They will “hold your hand” while you share and document your wishes. They will point out the various options available in funeral and Advance Care planning so that your wishes are heard and respected.
We are not likely to listen to and watch our own funerals like Tom Sawyer and his friends but we can have the next best thing: a pre-planned funeral that reflects our wishes for the kind of celebration and ritual that is meaningful to us and to those who come to pay their respects. Imagine that!
To find a qualified End-of-Life Planning Facilitator in your region, go to www.beforeigosolutions.com/find-a-facilitator.
If you live in the Greater Toronto and Hamilton area of Ontario, I’d be happy to meet with you in person or online to discuss your needs. Contact me at michael@myendoflifeplan.ca or go to www.myendoflifeplan.ca/eol-coaching to find out about my Before I Go Method® program. For only $500, you can have a complete, personalized plan that includes funeral planning, future health care and treatment planning, as well as a comprehensive plan for your Will, choosing your Executor, Beneficiaries, and Powers-of-Attorney for Finances and for Personal Care.
Remember: if you had died yesterday, what would you want in place? Let a licensed End-of-Life Planning Facilitator help you make your wishes come true. Your family will thank you for it.
Michael Williams
My End of Life Plan
Hamilton, Ontario L9C 5W7
